Turning Towards: Strengthening Your Bond Through Small Acts of Connection

"The best thing to hold onto in life is each other." – Audrey Hepburn

Turning Towards Instead of Away

Today, let's explore a key principle from the Gottman Method: turning towards each other's bids for connection. In any relationship, these bids are fundamental to building a strong, lasting bond. Every time your partner seeks your attention, affection, or support, it's an opportunity to turn towards them and strengthen your relationship.

Understanding Bids for Connection

Bids for connection are attempts by one partner to gain the attention, affirmation, or affection of the other. These bids can be subtle or overt and may include a variety of actions such as a text message, a look, a touch, or a question about your day. How we respond to these bids significantly impacts the health of our relationships.

The Importance of Turning Towards

When we turn towards our partner’s bids for connection, we show that we value and care for them. This practice reinforces emotional intimacy and trust. Conversely, turning away or ignoring these bids can create feelings of rejection and disconnection.

Examples of Bids for Connection

Bids for connection come in many forms. Here are some examples to help you recognize them in your relationship:

• Verbal Bids: "How was your day?" "Did you see that email I sent you?"

• Non-Verbal Bids: A smile, a touch, or eye contact.

• Requests for Help: "Can you help me with this?" "What do you think about this problem?"

• Expressions of Affection: A hug, a kiss, or holding hands.

• Invitations to Engage: "Do you want to watch a movie together?" "Let's go for a walk."

Responding to Bids for Connection

Turning towards each other's bids involves responding with interest and care. Here are some tips to help you practice this principle:

1. Be Present: Pay attention to your partner’s attempts to connect with you. This means being mentally and emotionally present, not just physically.

2. Acknowledge and Respond: When your partner makes a bid for connection, acknowledge it and respond positively. This can be as simple as saying, "Sure, tell me more," or giving a reassuring smile.

3. Show Interest: Show genuine interest in what your partner is sharing. Ask follow-up questions and engage in the conversation.

4. Offer Support: When your partner seeks support, be there to offer it. This might mean listening to their concerns, providing comfort, or helping with a task.

5. Reciprocate: Make your own bids for connection. Healthy relationships involve mutual efforts to connect and support each other.

The Weekly Challenge: Turning Towards

Here's your challenge for the week: Notice and respond to your partner's bids for connection. Whether it's engaging in a conversation, sharing a laugh, or offering a comforting hug, each response is a step towards deeper intimacy.

To help you with this challenge, consider keeping a mental or physical note of the bids for connection you observe and how you respond. Reflect on the impact these interactions have on your relationship.

Addressing Missed Bids

If you find that you or your partner often miss each other’s bids for connection, it’s important to address this. Missing bids can lead to feelings of disconnection and loneliness. Here’s what you can do:

• Communicate Openly: Talk to your partner about the importance of bids for connection and how you can both improve your responsiveness.

• Be Mindful: Practice mindfulness to become more aware of each other’s attempts to connect.

• Seek Support: If you continue to struggle with this, consider seeking support from a relationship coach or therapist. Professional guidance can help you develop better communication and connection skills.

Strengthening Your Bond

Turning towards each other's bids for connection is a simple yet powerful way to strengthen your bond. It helps build a foundation of trust, intimacy, and mutual respect. By making a conscious effort to notice and respond to these bids, you can create a more connected and fulfilling relationship.