Therapy Blog | Counseling services

July 24, 2021 by Josh Kellar Leave a Comment

Benefits of Co-Parenting (And How to Do It)

When two people decide to separate or divorce, the first question they usually must answer is, “What’s best for the children?” Well, according to the Third International Conference on Shared Parenting, co-sponsored by the National Parents Organization and the International Council on Shared Parenting, children need both parents in their life, no matter how those two adults feel about each other. It is for this reason that most child health experts agree that co-parenting is in the best interests of children of divorce.

The latest research indicates that children of divorce, who have parents who agree to co-parent, can grow up just as well and adjusted as those children from homes where parents had successful marriages. They may actually fair a little better and have a lower divorce rate themselves and be more successful in their careers. Why is this?

Children that come from co-parenting learn how to proactively create good situations. They also see their parents working together for THEIR benefit, which gives them a healthy sense of self-worth. And, seeing parents successfully communicating with one another teaches them how to have good relationships with others.

Tips for Co-Parenting

Co-parenting will take some practice to get it right. Here are some tips for you and your parenting partner:

Make a Commitment

This journey will be bumpy. Make a commitment to your children and promise to have open and honest communication where their well-being is concerned.

Have Rules

Rules for each household should be agreed upon at the very beginning. Your children will test you both. Rules will help to ensure routine and structure, which they need greatly.

Avoid Negative Talk

While you may have issues with your ex, that is still your child’s parent. Refrain from “trash talking” the other around your children.

Seek Counsel

If you need help with lines of communication or help putting in place a comprehensive co-parenting plan, I encourage you to seek the guidance of a trained family therapist. He or she can navigate these choppy waters so everything is done with your child’s best interests in mind.

If you’d like to work with a family therapist who is caring, nurturing, and never judgmental, please reach out to my office.

SOURCES:

July 16, 2021 by Josh Kellar Leave a Comment

How do I get my child to ____?

How do I get my child to do their Summer Reading?

The Parent Child Partnership Conversation applied in real life!

We’re past the mid-way mark and I know what has happened in the past. We’re cramming to get the required books read the week before school starts when we should be enjoying the final days of vacation!

If you’re like us, you’ve tried setting daily page requirements, pacing things out perfectly only to see them add up every day, getting more and more behind. Not only does this leave you feeling exasperated over having to nag your kids but they feel exasperated over having too many “have-tos” on their “so-called summer vacation!” (Can you see the eye-rolling?)

Try this instead:
Kids love being in control. Parents love seeing kids take responsibility but also want to make sure stuff gets done. This is where the “Parent Child Partnership Conversation” (or PCPC, my new term 😎) comes in handy. Here’s how it goes:

PCPC – Part 1:
To child: “Would you like to decide for yourself when and how fast to get your reading done or would you like for me to decide each day how many pages you read and when you will read them?”

At this point, it’s a no-brainer for your child. OF COURSE they want to decide for themselves. You may be thinking, “But then it will NEVER get done and my child will be the ONLY one in their class who hasn’t done the summer reading (😏 yeah… no other parents have this problem with their kids). Luckily, you’re the type of parent who knows that sharing control with your child means, they get to have say-so with limits until they prove they can handle say-so with less limits. Enter PCPC-Part 2.

PCPC-Part 2:
To child: “Awesome! I knew you’d be able to handle getting it done on your own schedule. I want for you to be able to decide when to get it done as long as I can check in with you once a week to see your progress. Let’s agree on how much you think you can do – on your own schedule – by Sunday at 8:00.

This may be where your child gives push back but the reality is that they will likely be so jazzed about getting to have so much control, instead of the daily page grind, that they will be cool with you touching base. Touching base serves two purposes.
1. You get to empower them to make good choices and feel trusted by you that they are capable of doing so on their own.
2. You get to feel great about the progress they are making ON THEIR OWN with you nagging, reminding or pestering them.

Enter PCPC-Part 3:
To child: “Great! Now that we’ve decided how much you think you can get done by Sunday at 8:00, would you like me to nag, remind and pester you or would you like me to leave you alone so you can just get it done when you want. (You know what they’re going to say here…). Awesome! I’m happy to give you complete control of your reading each week without nagging, reminding or pestering you as long as you finish what we’ve agreed on each Sunday by 8:00. Fair deal?”

This is where the magic of the PCPC happens. Walk away and don’t ask again about it until Sunday at 8:00. If they get done what you agreed, set another goal for the following Sunday and don’t check in again until next Sunday. If they haven’t met the requirement step in and explain that for the next week, you’ll be determining how many pages a day and when during the day they are read but, not to worry, if the reading is done cooperatively (without challenge, excuse or delay) until Sunday, they will get another chance to have complete control the next week.

So here’s the summary of the Parent Child Partnership Conversation
1. Give your child a choice to do ____ independently or with your strict oversight and planning
2. Set a time frame that you’re comfortable with for ______ to be completed without your nagging, reminding or pestering. Be clear on the timing and the agreement before stepping away. DON’T bring it up again until the designated, agreed upon time.
3. Follow up, reminding the child of the agreement and determine if you’re going to go another round with the child functioning independently or if you will have to step in the next round with more oversight.

The goal is to help your child feel empowered and for you to catch a break from feeling the need to be breathing down their necks all the time!

Let me know your success using the PCPC!

June 30, 2021 by Josh Kellar Leave a Comment

The Impact of Grief on Relationships

Experiencing the death of a loved one is one of the most painful things each person must face. The shock of your beloved friend or family member having passed away, along with the finality of their death is difficult to deal with.

Everyone Mourns Differently

The process of mourning is a very personal experience. Because grief is so personal, each person reacts differently to the death of a loved one; your instinct may be to reach out and connect, and the instinct of your friend or relative may be to retreat, distract themselves with work or hobbies or shut down.

Your relationship with the deceased was a unique one, so the process in which you grieve the loss will also be unique and personal to you. The close friends and family that you would expect to be there for you in one of the most challenging times of your life may not be present in the way you’d hoped or anticipated. Even your spouse or partner may not provide the comfort you’d expect.

Relationships Impacted by Grief Will Change

Although it’s disappointing and hurtful to experience what feels like a breakdown in your relationships when you need them the most, you must realize that your friends, family and spouse are likely also affected by grief, and going through their own process of mourning.

It’s also important not to rely solely on your spouse for comfort. It’s healthier for both of you, and will ease the stress on your marriage, if you have other people to turn to for help.

The impact of grief is an incredible strain on your existing relationships, as who you are as a person is temporarily altered as you struggle to cope with the loss and find a way to move forward. Your close friends and loved ones may have difficulty coping with how you’re mourning, causing them to pull away temporarily. They could also be very used to seeing you as a source of strength, and a pillar, and seeing you in this vulnerable state (in addition to possibly dealing with their own grief) is more than they can bear.

Seek Out New Sources of Support

Maintaining relationships takes effort, and they’re vulnerable to the difficulties we face as we move through life. You may need to turn to distant family members, other friends or acquaintances, make new connections through bereavement groups or seek professional help from a mental health counselor to find solace and understanding.

Although we can expect bereavement to change our relationships, we can also expect some semblance of normalcy as everyone affected copes with the loss over the passage of time. By forgiving friends or loved ones who weren’t there for you as you dealt with your grief, you can re-establish lost connections.

If you’re having difficulty with your relationships as you grieve and need some understanding and guidance, please give me a call and we can set up an appointment to talk.

June 24, 2021 by Josh Kellar Leave a Comment

Post-Baby Disconnect? 3 Ways to Stay More Connected After Having a Baby

No matter how many times they were warned, few new parents are prepared for the life-changing event of the birth of their first child. No more sleeping in on Saturday, then heading to your favorite restaurant for brunch with friends. These leisurely activities are replaced with sleepless nights and endless diaper changes.

It’s no surprise then that many couples feel a disconnect after the birth of their first child. This is the time when focus (especially the new mom’s) very suddenly and drastically shifts towards the baby. And, since couples spend less time focused on each other’s needs, the romance and intimacy declines and resentment and anger takes its place.

Though it will take a bit of work, there are things new parents can do to ensure they stay committed to each other and the relationship while still providing their new baby with plenty of love and attention. Here are three ways you can stay more connected after having a baby.

Keep the Friendship Alive

The healthiest couples are the ones who are best friends. And it is within this friendship that intimacy is born and lives. But, when you’re both exhausted and scared and frustrated, it’s easy to see each other as the enemy.

If you want to keep the passion alive, you’ve got to focus on keeping the friendship alive. Simply try and use whatever energy you have at the end of the day to be nice to one another. Ask how their day was. Ask what needs to be done around the house. Make them laugh. Get them a beer, rub their feet. Small kindnesses will go a long, long way toward keeping you both connected.

Allow Each Other to Vent

Along with a fussy baby who seems to need something every 20 minutes (all night long), the both of you will still be dealing with other life stressors, like the commute to work, noisy neighbors, and a car that starts when it feels like it.

In order for you to feel like you’re on the same side – like you’ve got each other’s back – it’s important that you allow each other to vent about the frustrations of your day as separate from the relationship. This way you will gain each other’s support and show empathy. And, when both parties feel heard and supported, you stand a much better chance of getting rid of any unwanted tension.

Be Gentle with Each Other

When you are exhausted and at your wits end, it’s entirely too easy to take it out on each other. And, there will no doubt be plenty of times when the two of you are in disagreement about something. When this happens, be sure to always treat your partner gently, as gently as you’re treating your new baby. Staying calm and respectful will keep you connected to each other.

The biggest thing you can do to stay connected is to be aware both of each other’s needs and your own behavior. If you spend time and energy focused on creating a strong relationship, you and your partner will thrive during 3 o’clock feedings and beyond.

Some couples may find they need a therapist to help them reconnect. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Benefits of Co-Parenting (And How to Do It)

Tips for Co-Parenting

How do I get my child to ____?

The Impact of Grief on Relationships

Post-Baby Disconnect? 3 Ways to Stay More Connected After Having a Baby

Office Hours

Find Our Office

Contact Information