Have you ever wondered why some marriages last decades while others barely go two years? Why do some couples thrive and grow together while others crash and burn?

The secret? There are three secrets, actually; three ingredients to a happy and successful marriage. Without all three of these, many couples will struggle to remain connected and committed.

Communication

Communication is to a marriage what gasoline is to an automobile: without it, you’re not going anywhere. And the better the communication, the longer the “motor” will last.

The words we choose to connect with others are incredibly important. Use the right ones and you generate feelings of love, safety, and security. Use the wrong ones and your partner is apt to feel anger and resentment.

It is often said that HOW you say something is as important as WHAT you say, and in many ways, this is true. When you ask your spouse a question, is their answer thoughtful or dismissive? Do they say, “Yes, that sounds like a great plan,” or “Whatever?” Both are affirmative, but only the first sentence is positive and respectful.

But perhaps the most important factor of good communication is listening. Many marriages have been improved when one or more people learn how to be a good listener.

How exactly do you become a good listener? Two ways: Start caring more about your partner – when you care for someone, you are truly interested in what they have to say. Second, when they are speaking, don’t think about other things – don’t think about your day or what you’d like to have for dinner – don’t even think about how you’d like to respond to what your partner is saying, simply LISTEN to them. Give them your full attention.

The better listeners and communicators you both are, the better partners you can be to each other.

Know Yourself and Your Partner

The sad fact is, most people spend more time trying to understand how their smartphone or tablet works than how their own personality – or that of their partner -works. We’re all individuals with unique quirks and behaviors. The more we understand about ourselves and our spouse, the less conflict we’ll experience.

Put Each Other First

Happy and successful marriages are the ones where each person is putting their partner’s needs first. When both are doing this, all needs are being met. Problems arise when only one individual meets their partner’s needs. When this happens, one person is happy, the other is left out in the cold.

If, after reading this, you have become aware that your marriage is missing some of these critical ingredients, don’t be afraid to seek help from a therapist. Sometimes an impartial third party can help both individuals get their priorities straight.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

I had a couple come in for counseling once telling me that their marriage was “hanging on by a thread.” Despite being married for years, having good careers, an active church life and a good community of friends, their relationship with each other had been worn down by years of conflict and an inability to effectively process perpetual problems.

Intimacy between two partners is somewhat like a rope. At the beginning of the relationship, the rope is strong. It’s never been tested. It’s good to look at and you know there are great things in store. Over time though, our relationships experience some harsh environments, they might be pulled in ways that create strain. Eventually, the fibers that had once made the relationship strong, begin to fray. As the relationship continues to be worn down, couples might find themselves in a situation similar to my couple that came in. They’re hanging on by a thread.

Unlike a rope, the relationship between two people can be repaired. Whereas at the beginning of the rope’s life, it is the strongest, relationships can actually grow stronger through healthy conflict during times of strain and testing. What I often communicate to couples is that when their relationship is hanging on by a thread, it’s no wonder that every issue feels like it’s going cause the partnership to snap. Unless there are some significant repairs, it cannot withstand the weight of addressing serious relationship problems.

Here are three ways that couples counseling can help to repair a relationship that’s hanging on by a thread.

Identify Destructive Patterns

At times you both might want for things to get better but perhaps you don’t understand how you keep getting caught behaving in ways that are harmful to your relationship. This would be like both of you acknowledging that there’s a problem with the rope but continuing to use it in ways that create the damage. A trained counselor can help you to recognize ways that you are continuing to hurt your relationship even though you may desperately want for it to be healthy.

Learn to Make Repairs

Imagine trying to repair the rope that connects you to your partner only to find that your partner resists your attempts, only causing the rope to become more frayed. Many couples find themselves having difficulty learning how to accept one another’s attempts to repair damage from the past. This can be attempt to repair hurt from long ago or even a recent conversation. Counseling can help provide a guide toward genuinely hearing when your partner is wanting to make things right.

Focus on the Solvable

When you have unhealthy conflict with your partner, you tend to focus on trying to solve perpetual problems. It’s possible that you and your partner have become gridlocked on some particular issue and find yourselves constantly returning to it with no resolution. It’s as if you know that using the rope in this way creates a damaged rope, but you don’t know another way to get the job done. You’re in good company though. Every relationship has perpetual problems and they make up close to 70% of all issues couples try to address. Counseling can help you shift from perpetual problems to ones that are actually solvable.

Perhaps you’ve realized that “hanging on by a thread” is no longer working for you and your partner and you’re ready to identify what is going wrong, repair the damage and focus on what can actually be resolved between you. I work with couples every week in situations just like yours who not only stop the damage to their intimacy but also grow through learning to engage in healthy conflict.

Send me a message about where you’re at and let’s talk about how I might be able to help!

Even happily married couples can hit obstacles along the way. When this happens, couples can either go it alone and try to work through their issues themselves, or they can seek the guidance of a trained and experienced marriage counselor. While some couples feel their problems should be kept private, many more are finding the value of seeking help from an impartial and nonjudgmental third party.

Here are 3 ways individual counseling can help your marriage.

1. Identifying Behavioral Patterns

Most of us are aware of our partner’s behaviors but unaware of our own. And, most challenges faced by spouses is the result of the patterns between them. But when you only see half (or less) of the dysfunctional patterns, the problems in the marriage can seem confusing and overwhelming.

A therapist is trained to help individuals recognize their own negative patterns and how they manifest in a relationship. The result is both partners are empowered and able to take a step back during conflicts as they occur, preventing escalation.

As a bonus, a therapist can also point out the strengths and resources they find in your relationship so you can leverage and learn how to nourish them.

2. Change at the Root Level

Once your therapist has helped you identify negative patterns, they can then help you understand why they are happening and assist you in changing them. Most behavioral patterns are formed and ingrained when we are very young – before we become self-aware and before we’ve met our significant others.

Understanding why your partner reacts a certain way can create empathy and help communication. Once you’ve laid this solid foundation, your therapist can give you specific adjustments that can change your relationship for the better.

3. Deeper Intimacy

A therapist will not only tailor changes based on your unique dynamics as a couple, they will help you practice the adjustments and encourage you to remain vigilant and consistent. The result is a deeper intimacy and a deeper understanding of each other with a renewed commitment to meet each other’s needs and desires.

While you may first feel embarrassed discussing marital problems in front of a stranger, ultimately a marriage counselor can bring you both to a more fulfilling phase of your partnership.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Seeking help from a marriage counselor is not unlike seeking help from a mechanic. It makes little sense to take your car into the shop a month after it started making a horrific noise. By that time, too much damage may have been done and your engine may be beyond repair.

By the same token, the effectiveness of marriage counseling is directly related not only to the willingness and motivation of both parties to put in the effort, but also to the timing. The time to consider marriage counseling is not when one (or both) people have already thrown in the towel.

For instance, in some relationships, when one or both partners have already decided to end the marriage, they may use counseling as a “safe space” to drop the news on their spouse. This is obviously not the best timing to attempt counseling.

Sometimes issues are too ingrained and longstanding for counseling to be truly effective. If a couple has been building up resentment toward one another for five or more years before seeking help, it may be too late. While counseling is a wonderful way to help couples reconnect and heal, it is not a miracle cure.

When and How Marriage Counseling Can Help

It’s important that both individuals truly want the relationship to work. When both parties are willing to invest time and energy, marriage counseling can be the catalyst for real and lasting change.

It is also important that couples choose a therapist who’s a good fit. Both spouses must feel comfortable with the therapist for any progress to be made.

So, how exactly can marriage counseling help? In a number of ways:

• Counselors help couples identify toxic behavioral patterns and give them tools to make adjustments.
• Each partner can gain new insights and perspective into the relationship.
• Tools help couples resolve conflicts with grace and respect so escalation can be avoided.
• Partners can begin to build trust and improve communication.

If you and your spouse decide to try marriage counseling, here are some tips for success:

• Take it seriously. Commit to the work and do it.
• Be open. If you’ve chosen the right therapist, you should feel free and safe to discuss your true feelings and needs. Don’t hold back. In order for therapy to work, both people have to have the courage to be vulnerable.
• Avoid the blame game. Each person must take responsibility for their part.
• Be realistic about how long it will take before real change begins. While you can begin using tools immediately, healing won’t happen overnight.

If you and your partner are experiencing marital problems, don’t wait to get help. The sooner you do, the more likely your issues can be resolved. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.